Psychologists explained how to learn to say no without feeling guilty.

According to Vox: Your experience may differ – this is a column of advice that offers a unique approach to analyzing moral dilemmas. It is based on the idea of value pluralism – the fact that each of us has multiple values that are equally important but often conflict with each other. To submit a question, please fill out this anonymous form. Here is this week's reader question, condensed and edited for clarity:

Reader's Situation

I am the only child of divorced parents. Both parents need different levels of assistance. One is very poor and trying to care for my grandparents, while the other lacks computer skills, and English is not their native language. I help as much as I can since, in the end, we are all we have.

This desire to help extends to other areas of my life. One of my closest friends went through a personal crisis and had to leave on the same day, and I gathered all his things. At the beginning of COVID, I went to the hospital in a rented car to help another friend. There is a migrant in my neighborhood who knows that I will give her what I can. She calls me during work, and each time I think she might get deported, but she just asks about groceries.

Of course, all this comes at my expense. I have worked very hard for the last few years with a therapist to learn how to say 'no' and set boundaries — I finished therapy!

But the problem is that I do not want to say 'no,' and when I do, I know that if I say 'yes,' I will slip into a slippery slope of taking on more responsibilities that are not mine. This seems like an insufficient reason not to help others — it is something I find important to do. Not for moral or religious reasons or because I worry that I'm a bad person. Honestly, I don't care about that. But I really care about the well-being of those around me.

I fear that I will give and give and give until I am left with nothing. Any act of self-preservation feels like a slight against my ideals, but the feeling of resentment still lingers since I am so overworked.

Expert's Response

Dear Beyond Boundaries,

You have worked hard on yourself in therapy (yay!) and learned to say that magical word ('no'). However, you still seem uncertain about the need to set boundaries. And I believe you are feeling something real.

Self-preservation is no less important than self-sacrifice — especially for people like you who grew up caring for the needs of others.

However, the popular language of 'boundaries' may not be suitable for you — and there are good reasons for this. We are taught that 'a boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as a separate person' — 'where I end, and where you begin.' But if you believe that we are all deeply connected, then this concept of boundaries may seem confusing. Is it really possible to draw a clear line between yourself and other people?

Popular psychology argues that boundaries may be selfish, but in fact, they are the opposite: the more you protect your well-being, the more you can help others. But this also sounds like an instrumental approach: it sees you merely as a means to an end. Your actions should not be justified only when the end goal is to meet the needs of others.

Moreover, some people distort the concept of boundaries by rejecting opportunities, masking it with boundary language. We all know someone who says, 'No, I'm setting boundaries!' every time they receive an offer to do something a little difficult or uncomfortable.

You write that any act of self-preservation feels like an encroachment on your ideals. However, the answer does not lie in merely refusing self-preservation — it can literally kill you. You need an ideal that honors the importance of self-preservation and one that you can truly embrace.

I want to introduce you to the concept of Indra's Net, a classic Buddhist metaphor. Imagine a net that spans the entire universe. At each node, there is a jewel that reflects all others. This means that changes in one jewel affect all others, as they are all interconnected.

Could not the high status of your jewel in the net help you understand the importance of caring for yourself? You are part of this net and have your value. If you deteriorate your own well-being, you create a tear in this net.

And everyone who neglects their own well-being risks missing what makes this net truly valuable. When you focus only on giving, you lose the opportunity to enjoy life's gifts. When a gift is offered to you — accept it, as it is part of enriching your experience.

Do not forget that caring for the well-being of others can be very fulfilling. But feelings of fear and resentment regarding 'helping' others indicate that you are spending too much energy on them and not enough on yourself. You should seek balance, as you are also an important part of this net.

Find this balance, and you will feel a close connection to others, while also being able to enjoy the brilliance of life.