Psychologists Reveal the Secret of Effective Complaining: How Not to Annoy Those Around You.

According to Vox: Among my less attractive traits is a tendency to complain. I quickly share my grievances with anyone who will listen and try to point out flaws in even the smallest details. In other words, if something annoys me or I feel uncomfortable, I don't keep quiet about it.

A vivid example could be a recent flight that turned into a delay, a change of route, a missed connection, another delay, and finally arriving at the wrong airport. I was fed up with it, complaining about it to at least five friends and my mother. Or my complaints during, before, and after the ultra-marathon I voluntarily participated in. Complaining is almost a bit pleasurable. And, to some extent, my friends enjoy it too.

According to Robin Kowalski, a psychology professor at Clemson University, complaining is a human trait. Everyone does it to varying degrees: some rarely, while others constantly find reasons why any possible solution cannot improve their situation. Therefore, it’s no surprise that people who are heavily prone to complaining often drive others away.

However, complaints are not always negative, Kowalski assures, as they can be useful if they help solve a problem. By expressing dissatisfaction, I can reduce its impact on my emotions or at least turn it into a joke. Difficulties arise in realizing how much and to whom it’s worth complaining.

“If we know how to complain, we will do it strategically,” says Kowalski. “We will do it in moderation.”

Why We Complain

We usually feel the need to complain when our expectations do not match reality, leaving us unsatisfied. For example, food delivery took longer than we thought, or a friend constantly talks about their stuff without asking about your day.

The problem is that we are not very effective in our complaints. According to research, most of our complaints are aimed at expressing dissatisfaction or eliciting sympathy rather than developing an action plan to resolve the situation. As a result, the main motivation for complaints is catharsis. Actively suppressing emotions is associated with negative impacts on well-being, stress, low self-esteem, and even premature death.

“We can gain this release through complaining,” says Kowalski. “This is where the psychological benefit comes from.”

Receiving recognition from others that our complaints are justified can also be cathartic, according to psychologist Guy Winch, author of the book The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem. This verifies that what annoys us indeed annoys us, and we are not mistaken about it.

Consequences of Excessive Complaining

Anyone with a friend or relative who never hides their dissatisfaction can attest that excessive complaining evokes disgust. Such people drive others away with their negativity. But why do they continue?

Because complaints become reflexive, and excessive complainers may not even realize why they are doing it or what they want to achieve. Complaining has become incredibly common, thanks to the ease with which dissatisfaction can be expressed online, whether through a negative review or TikTok.

“Try to distribute the load and avoid complaining to just one person or focus on one topic,” Winch advises.

By complaining, we can gain emotional relief. But it’s better to focus on objective factors rather than remaining in the problem.

How to Be a Better Complainer

An effective complainer knows when, why, and to whom they are complaining. To improve your skills, first evaluate how often you do it, about what, and how it affects you. If your dissatisfaction causes concern in your conversation partner, you are unlikely to get the relief you want.

Also pay attention to the reactions of those around you. For example, if your best friend rolls their eyes and takes out their phone when you start another complaint, you might be complaining too often.

In the end, think about what you want to achieve with your complaints: compensation for bad service, a desire for a friend not to cancel plans, or simply recognition. “If you know what you want, you can devise your strategy,” Winch notes.

This wisdom has been a revelation for me. My complaints probably didn’t consider the elements of problem-solving. I was just filling pauses, annoying everyone around. In the future, I will try to be more careful about my complaints—and think about finding ways to solve my problems.