Ambivalence in Relationships: How a Mixture of Feelings Affects Health.

The Complex Nature of Ambivalent Relationships

According to Vox: At the beginning of her relationship with Thomas, Leah experienced doubts. These were days that should have been filled with emotions, but instead, she experienced ambivalence: “Thomas was kind and gentle, but I didn’t know whether his attention attracted me or, on the contrary, irritated me.” However, gradually her feelings changed, and after four months she was “fully engaged and invested” in their relationship. Yet, these feelings were not meant to last forever.

Once Leah overcame her ambivalence, Thomas began to feel it himself. “He became— and continues to be— very avoidant in this relationship,” notes Leah. “He becomes avoidant, and when he feels I am pulling away a bit, he literally rushes towards me.” This cycle repeated itself over the course of two and a half years.

The Realities of Ambivalent Relationships

Among many romantic illusions, the idea that relationships should be exclusively positive is one of the most misleading. “I call it 'Disney did us dirty,'” says clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon. Less than 50% of our social connections consist of positive relationships; most are ambivalent acquaintances, such as in-laws, friends who joke at our expense, or partners who forget to do the dishes. In a study of married couples, about 60% of participants reported ambivalence towards their partner.

The Physical Consequences of Ambivalence

Ambivalence can affect a person's physical state. Research has shown that interacting with a person who has both positive and negative traits can lead to increased blood pressure. Moreover, interaction with ambivalent relationships can lead to its rise. A study among older spouses showed that those who perceive their relationships as ambivalent have more serious cardiovascular problems.

Should We Save the Relationship?

In relationships with elements of ambivalence, it is important to recognize in time whether it is worth saving them or better to leave. Research has shown that the presence of ambivalence can prompt a couple to improve communication or spend more meaningful time together. “It is important to differentiate when ambivalence can be a healthy part of the relationship and when it’s a signal that there are issues in the relationship,” notes Julia Zoppolat.

“Accepting ambivalence means accepting humanity in another person, their flaws, and understanding that even the most significant relationships can be a source of negativity,” says Solomon.

The Importance of Acknowledging Ambivalence

Recognizing ambivalence can help acknowledge true feelings. “You need to understand what’s bothering you: is it something that can be changed in the relationship? Perhaps you need more support or fun?” advises therapist Moe Ari Brown. It’s important to try to build relationships on positivity, recalling the good times shared together.

Conclusion

Essentially, ambivalent relationships are the norm, not the exception. They have their pros and cons. For Leah and Thomas, his instability was the reason for their breakup. “This time,” Leah says, “what will I start again from?”

Thus, it is important to understand that ambivalence is an integral part of many relationships. It can serve as a push for deeper communication and the creation of stronger bonds, if both sides are willing to work on their relationship. Therefore, it is important to be attentive to one’s own feelings and needs, as well as to the problems that need resolution.