Scientists explain why we underestimate the kindness of those around us.

According to Vox: The situation when a stranger starts a conversation with you at a party is familiar to many. In such moments, you may not present yourself as expected and get lost in responses to questions, jokes, or comments. After the interaction, there is a feeling that the other person considers you not entirely smart.

However, studies indicate that this is not quite true. The phenomenon known as 'hot hand' shows that people usually perceive you to be better than you think. Researchers point to various 'social forecasting errors' that affect our social relationships, especially regarding people we just met. These errors are even characteristic of durable friendships. A pessimistic perception of others' attitudes can lower our willingness to communicate.

Misconceptions about altruism

One example of these errors is the perception of how quickly a stranger will return a forgotten wallet. This question is often used in surveys to measure social trust, as noted by Lara Aknin, a psychology professor at Simon Fraser University. She emphasizes that wallets are actually returned much more frequently than people expect.

One of the most well-known studies on this topic, conducted in 2019, covered over 17,000 'lost' wallets in 355 cities across 40 countries. The results showed that, in most cases, citizens were willing to return wallets containing more money — something almost no one suspected.

The research also found that people underestimate how positively others react to good deeds, compliments, or simple messages. These underestimations start as early as childhood. For example, a 2021 study showed that 5-year-old children already have such errors, and in 2023 it was found that even four-year-olds cannot accurately assess how their good deeds will be valued.

What we lose by underestimating others

According to Gillian Sandstrom, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Sussex, our distrust of others costs us dearly. If we don't believe someone will appreciate a compliment, we won't give it. This leads to carelessness and closeness, decreasing our happiness and increasing our fears.

This cycle reinforces our doubts, gradually reducing our willingness to communicate with others. The more negative information we perceive, the less we expect kindness from our surroundings, and this makes the world feel more dangerous.

“We miss social opportunities that directly impact our happiness,”

How to reconsider our views

So how do we overcome this pessimism? According to Sandstrom, there is no simple solution. It is important for people to try what they fear and communicate with both strangers and old friends to see how their kindness is perceived positively.

“You don’t need to leave your wallet behind to see if it will be returned,”

“But give yourself the opportunity to confirm or disprove your fears about people.”

Real relationships begin with openness, vulnerability, and the willingness to ask for and offer help. If you find the courage to believe in another person's kindness, it will open new opportunities for connection.

“Someone has to go first,”

These studies highlight the importance of positive perception and trust in relationships. The awareness that our communication can lead to positive outcomes will be the key to improving the quality of life. Instead of fearing the unknown, we should strive to integrate kindness into everyday interactions, as it can enrich not only our lives but also the lives of those around us.